A Bottle of Whisky, a Goat, a Cow… But What About the Child?

In the story, a bottle of whisky was reportedly brought to the girl's father as a gesture of apology. In many South African communities, it is not uncommon for families to resolve disputes through cultural practices involving gifts such as a goat, a cow, or other forms of compensation to appease elders and restore relationships between families.

While I understand and respect  culture, this type of culture is not giving and the  practice is just wrong, I cannot help but ask: What about the child?

When people describe a 13- or 14-year-old girl as "promiscuous" or use derogatory labels to explain her behaviour, I believe we are often asking the wrong questions. A child does not simply wake up one day and develop behaviours that concern adults without there being a deeper story worth exploring.

Instead of immediately judging the child, we should be asking:

• What circumstances led to this situation?
• Was there coercion, manipulation, or grooming involved?
• Was the child adequately protected and supported?
• Are there underlying issues at home, at school, or within the community that need attention?
• Has anyone taken the time to listen to her story?

What frustrates me most is how often responsibility is shifted onto children, particularly girls, while adults escape scrutiny. I do not know the age of the person who allegedly came with the whisky to apologise, but if an adult was involved, the focus should not be on repairing family reputations alone. It should also be on accountability, child protection, and ensuring the wellbeing of the young person involved.

Too often, communities become concerned with resolving matters between families while overlooking the needs of the child at the centre of the situation. Reconciliation has its place, but it should never come at the expense of justice, protection, or healing.

This is why I wish programmes that support parents and communities were more widely available, especially in overcrowded and poverty-stricken communities where families often face immense social and economic pressures.

One example is the Kurisa Kahle Parenting Programme, which focuses on strengthening parents' and caregivers' ability to create safe, open, and accountable homes and communities.

The programme helps parents:

• Recognise the early signs of sexual abuse and statutory rape.
• Understand reporting pathways and support mechanisms for survivors.
• Have age-appropriate conversations about sexuality, consent, and relationships.
• Foster environments where children feel safe enough to speak openly.
• Promote collective responsibility for child protection through community dialogue.

Most importantly, programmes like these encourage courageous conversations. They challenge harmful social norms, strengthen family relationships, and create opportunities for communities to work together to protect children.

Parenting was never meant to happen in isolation. Raising children requires families, schools, faith leaders, community organisations, and government systems working together to create environments where children can thrive.

If we truly want to protect our children, we must move beyond blame and ask deeper questions. We must stop reducing complex situations to family disputes settled with a bottle of whisky, a goat, or a cow. We must be willing to investigate what happened, hold the appropriate people accountable, and ensure that the child's voice is not lost in the process.

Because at the heart of every story like this is a child.

And that child deserves protection, dignity, understanding, and a future free from violence and exploitation.